50 Shades of Grey -- the movie, with some commentary about the books, too...

Honestly, I’m not too sure where to start with this… I’ve never been the kind of person that has written movie reviews.  Frankly, I don’t feel particularly qualified to voice an opinion about cinematic pursuits, because I have pretty much zero knowledge of the inner workings of making a movie.  This is part of why this overwhelming urge to put my thoughts to paper (albeit not actual paper -- we do live in the digital age, after all) surprised me.  The nagging need to express my thoughts and opinions about the 50 Shades movie hasn’t abated since about 10 minutes into the movie last night, so I find myself here now… trying to figure out how best to express myself.

Maybe we should start with the books.  I read the entire trilogy.  Straight through, from beginning to end. In three successive evenings.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that if I had just started reading on a weekend, or on a day off from class, I could have gone from beginning to end in just one sitting, in one day.  But since I started in the middle of the week, and I had to attend to the responsibilities associated with being a law student and a functional human being (inconvenient things, like attending classes, doing homework and sleeping), I just had to fit the books in whenever and wherever I could.  But I digress.

50 Shades was, admittedly, my first foray into the world of erotic fiction.  It was also the first time I had read a book (much less an entire trilogy) in electronic format.  Yes.  These are the books that got me hooked on erotica -- but not because I thought they were great, in fact, it was quite the opposite.  It occurred to me that if this story was out there, there had to be other books in this genre, and better conceived, more impressively written pieces were just waiting for me to discover them.  I was right, but that’s another story for another time.

Anyone who has read 50 Shades in any amount knows how bad the writing is, so I don’t think I need to go into detail about that here.  

I think that the other problem that so many people have with 50 Shades is that they try to ground it in the reality of their lives, or the world the way that they know it.  I enjoyed reading these books (despite the bad writing), because I viewed them with the understanding that they were an expression of some lady’s secret fantasies. Like I always say, it’s called fiction because it isn’t real, and it’s not supposed to be.  I am the kind of reader that is willing to suspend my reality and my judgment to let the story flourish within the confines of the reality that the author has created in his or her universe.  Maybe that’s why despite my myriad of issues with how the characters were created or depicted, I still managed to enjoy the books.

I am not a leather person.  I have a very limited understanding of how their circle operates.  I do not claim to be an expert, nor do I even project being well-versed on this subject.  In her defense, I don’t think the author ever claimed to be, either.  While I understand the abhorrent nature of this work to many in the leather community, I think that a lot of that has to do with the portrayal of this book in the media, and by its readers and rabid fans.  50 Shades is not meant to be an introduction to bondage.  It’s one woman’s fantasy (about Twilight) which has BDSM tendencies, but ultimately reveals a dearth of knowledge about the inner workings of the leather community and how bondage actually works.

Though I’ve already said that I am no expert on fetish life, I endeavored to do a small amount of research before and while I was reading 50 Shades to get at least a broad overview of the complex themes that it attempted to incorporate.  Given my extremely limited information and understanding, I have some issues about how the main characters were conceived and depicted.   

The thing is this: for someone who is supposed to be an experienced Dom, Christian Grey seems to be as clueless about the world of BDSM as I am.  Right off the bat, he didn’t spot that Anastasia was massively inexperienced in the realm of sex (even the vanilla kind).  In fact, she’s a virgin (more on this later).  He didn’t take her many apprehensions and incessant pestering about wanting to do “normal” things as a sign that she might not be a good fit for this lifestyle.  Grey reveals himself to be a poor Dom right from the start.  While he seems to have a vague understanding of walking that fine line between pleasure and pain, but none of the underlying reasons for why this is is the case.  It almost seems as if he just knows that he gets off on inflicting physical pain, and has been extremely fortunate to have found women who take pleasure in receiving it.  He is, in essence, one-dimensional when it comes to sex and dominance.  It seems to me that Grey’s understanding of the term Dom is more akin to my understanding of the term Top.

Further, I take offense to the characterization that Christian Grey has become a Dom as a direct result of his past, which is “50 shades of fucked up”.  Why can’t he just be a Dom because that’s the kind of person that he is?  I feel like that’s why most Doms are probably the way that they are -- they're just hard wired that way.  I think that the author’s depiction here is that you have to be all kinds of messed up in order to become involved in the BDSM crowd, and I don’t think that’s a fair assessment at all.  Not only does it show a profound lack of understanding of what leather people are like, it actually serves only to worsen the public prejudice against people whose preferences run contrary to what is considered “the norm”.  I happen to be the kind of person who thinks that normal is highly overrated, and I’m the first person who will encourage you to “let your freak flag fly”, so to speak… but I also try very hard not to judge others just because they sin differently from me.  At the end of the day, our differences (rather than our similarities) are what make us special and unique and interesting, and I think that’s something that a lot of people flatly reject when they pass judgment on others.  Which speaks more to the character of the judger than the judgee, I think. 

For her part, Anastasia starts off as the stereotypical naïve college student, sequestered in her own little protective bubble of university life.  For a student with a 4.0 average, in English literature, and who has presumably read a vast amount of books, her mind doesn’t appear to have been opened nor her horizons broadened by the work she has purportedly imbibed.  What troubled me the most about her character, though, was that she was so willing to be manipulated by the people and circumstances that surrounded her.  In a word, Ana is weak.  As I’ve mentioned before, I do not personally have a particularly deep understanding of the interplay between Doms and Subs, but my thought is this: if I were a wealthy, eligible bachelor Dom, the Sub that I would seek out would be someone who was complex and interesting and with a mind and life of her own, but who was willing to explore the side of submission that involves relinquishing control and submitting to pleasure.  I wouldn’t be interested in someone who would do anything I asked, just because it made me happy -- I don’t think that’s a Submissive, rather, I think it is an indication of someone who does not fully understand himself or herself, and is ill-equipped to enter into a Dom-Sub relationship.  In fact, I would consider it indicative of the fact that this person could potentially be forever ruined, or at the very least, stunted by any relationship that capitalized on his or her lack of self-understanding, instead of fostering an environment of discovery and expanding horizons.

At this point, I feel compelled to address the stance that many people have taken in regard to these books: that Christian Grey is a woman beater and rapist.  Stop.  I don’t think he’s either of these things -- I just think that the author lacked the knowledge and skill to properly convey his character’s nuances.  So can we please just agree that this was badly written fiction, and that the author didn’t do her characters or her intended storyline the justice that they deserved?  

Heh, justice… see what I did there?  No?  Ok, moving on… 

I think that the books, at their core, were supposed to be about the development of the romantic relationship between Christian and Anastasia, and the kink was just supposed to be a bonus.  At least when I read it, that was the impression that I got -- but I read these books before they got a ton of press, and there was a lot of hype about the bondage angle.  The thing is that I think leather is considered a lifestyle because it’s not something that is only associated with sex.  It’s an all-pervasive part of your character, and finds application in various aspects of life, even outside the bedroom.  I think that’s where the author ran into issues with her representation, she tried to depict someone who lives a certain lifestyle, and brings someone else (entirely inappropriate to that kink) into that universe, but she doesn’t know enough about how any of it works to make the characterizations fair or believable.

So… the movie adaptation.  I watched it with my mom.  Yes.  At first, I worried that this would be awkward, but after some thought, I rationalized that the worst case scenario here was that she would be appalled, and I would be amused by her reactions.  So I pushed through as planned.  I was wrong about the worst case scenario.  I hadn’t planned for this movie to be a nightmare disguised as a cinematic pursuit.

Let’s start with the casting.  I had issues with this right from the get-go, just based on physical descriptions.  I was never a fan of the decision to cast Charlie Hunnam as Christian Grey -- he is nothing like what I pictured Grey would look like, and was thankful when the role was recast.  I didn’t know much about Jamie Dornan, but the initial photos revealed him to be similar in looks to Henry Cavill, circa The Tudors… although not quite on the level of Henry Cavill (but let’s be honest, there’s no one who is quite on the level of Henry Cavill, is there?)  Next, I didn’t think that Dakota Johnson would be an appropriate Anastasia Steele.  Sure, next to Charlie Hunnam, it looked like they had the correct age difference.  Next to Jamie Dornan, however, I wasn’t convinced.  In fact, I’m still not.  Further to that end, while Johnson is beautiful in her own way, she isn’t quite what I had pictured Ana to look like.  I think that there’s something to be said about more rounded features giving an overall sense of youth and innocence, and Johnson’s naturally thinner build and more angular facial construction just don’t give me that same feel.

I don’t know that this is fair -- I read a number of interviews with Jamie Dornan before the film was released.  In these interviews, he revealed that he had difficulty getting into character, and I suppose this was to be expected somewhat, since Christian Grey isn’t exactly the norm.  The problem that I had with it, though, was that he really didn’t seem to respect the BDSM community in his very limited interactions with them.  He talks about going to a bondage party after his wife and child were asleep, and having to take hot shower before touching them again after coming home from the event.  It just feels disrespectful to me… It’s not as if kink is something that should be perceived as dirty (in a bad way) or that you should have to scrub yourself of after being a party to it.  I really sort of lost respect for Jamie Dornan after reading about him saying this on multiple occasions, across a variety of interviews.  But again, before going into the movie, I tried to clear my mind of this information and just see how it all played out on screen.

The performances were flat, at best.  Dakota Johnson’s eyes are beautiful, and I feel like they’re probably really expressive, but the whole time, she’s just giving us one note: either pretending to be innocent and confused, or she’s just plain confused.  And annoying.  I don’t remember Anastasia Steele being quite that annoying in the books… but it has been a long time, and I refuse to read them again.  At the beginning, I was frustrated by her over the top portrayal of innocence and naiveté, but then I progressed to being annoyed by her persistent nagging about wanting what was “normal”, as if there was ever any chance that she’d have a “normal” relationship with Christian Grey.  Finally, at the end, I was just bored bored bored by her performance.  It really felt like she was just going through the motions, and that she wanted to be done with the movie as badly as I did.

Jamie Dornan had such potential, at least in my mind.  I thought he was a more appropriate choice physically than Charlie Hunnam, but when I actually saw him on the big screen, I was very sorely disappointed.  His depiction of dark, alluring and mysterious was just flat, flat and even more flat.  There was zero expression in his eyes, and he looked like his brain was about a million and a half light years away while reciting his lines the way a third grader does in the school play, which is to say, without intent, conviction or emotion.  As much as I tried to keep those interviews out of my mind, I kept going back to them and thinking to myself: how could he have had so much trouble getting into the role, when it doesn’t seem like he was playing the role at all?!

As for the dialogue… well… since the books were so horribly written, I didn’t really expect that the film adaptation would be too much better in that regard.  Sadly, I was right.  However, even the signature lines that made me smile in the books, like “laters, baby” and “we aim to please, Miss Steele” felt like they were just thrown into the movie out of necessity, and failed to elicit any reaction from me other than an extension of my disappointment.

The one thing that I did think they got right was Christian Grey’s office.  The gorgeous staff, in their polished suits, high heels, flawless hair and makeup and with their perfect sense of decorum made me want to put more effort into my everyday appearance.  Although I hate to admit it, I felt a little bit like my fashion sense was more akin to Anastasia’s than the office staff’s, and that’s something that needs to change, particularly considering my intended field.

The highly anticipated physical contact scenes between the two main characters were the biggest disappointment.  It was evident that there was no chemistry between the actors, and what came across in the film was a clinical treatment that tried too hard to be artistic.  Basically, I don’t think that even the crappiest of crappy porn studios (hardcore or soft) would have found this to be acceptable material to put out onto the market.  It just wasn’t hot.  At all.  In fact, it was barely even lukewarm.

Let me tackle here the depiction of Ana losing her virginity... I feel like most people remember their first time, since it's such an important experience in our lives, the point at which (in theory) a girl becomes a woman, or a boy becomes a man -- well, in this case, it's when Ana goes from clueless and innocent to clueless and annoying.  Which means she went from being a girl to being a sullen teenager.  Great.  Also, can I just take this moment to mention that her first time looks a lot like her second time, and her third time, and however many times they had sex in this movie.  The sex is all one note, one kind, one dimensional: which is to say it's boring.  Painfully boring.

The highlight of the movie for me was supposed to be the incident in the bedroom with the tie and the wine and the ice... you know the one that I'm talking about.  But while it was slighty steamier than the rest of the sex scenes in the movie, I wasn't invested in it.  It really took me a while to understand that this was the scene that I had been looking foward to, and when I did, I just wanted to throw something at the screen because it was so bad.  SO. BAD.  Like to the point that I almost walked out because I had enough of being this bored with a movie that had so much potential to be amazing.

The playroom, also known as the red room of pain, was also somewhat disappointing.  While I loved the organization and the overall feel of the environment, I just thought it was a little too much stuff, crammed into too small a space, and not the expansive, lush, opulent playroom that I had imagined from the books.

The saving graces of this movie, at least for me, are the short helicopter flight in Charlie Tango, and the even shorter glider flight.  The former, I enjoyed because it provided such a beautiful view of the Seattle area, and for once, I could see some benefit in dating Christian Grey.  The latter, I enjoyed primarily because it looked like something fun that I would like to do, but also because it is the one scene in the entire movie where Christian Grey looks like he actually feels something.  Anything.  The bonus here is that Ana is also at her least annoying.

Taken together, I have this to say… In the right hands, the 50 Shades movie could have made a masterpiece of what was a mediocre set of books.  In its current incarnation, it only serves to validate the dearth of substance in the trilogy, and remind the world why they don’t watch soap operas -- because no matter how big the budget, or how much the hype, a glorified soap opera is still just a soap opera.  No offense meant to soap operas, I do realize that some of the actors who star in them give their characters more depth and meaning than the ones who were in this film.  Clooney and Stamos are names that spring to mind.

Thankfully, my 50 Shades movie ticket came with a coupon for 50% more churros at my favorite churreria in the mall.  And I got to experience the newly renovated movie theater, with more comfortable seats, and Dolby Atmos sound.  And I only paid about $6 for an  evening show with reserved seating.  And I got to write this review… so I guess it wasn’t a completely worthless experience after all. :)